This Friday I'm going to my employer's annual Christmas party. The last time I went to a similar event, our gracious host gave us each an after-dinner cordial. I thought it was a shot, so after the toast was uttered, I threw my head back and flung that sweet liqueur straight down the gullet. As I awakened from my swift and delightful adventure, licking lips and straightening my neck, I was greeted by stunned gazes. That night, I learned that cordials should be sipped. Slowly. You're welcome.
Yeah, no one wants to be the department alchy. Least of all, me. I've cared way too much about being perceived as the polished, super nice and super approachable Black girl. With all the racial tensions that abound, and the flurry of misunderstandings that a communication scholar (yours truly) is constantly analyzing, I decided a while ago that being polished and approachable was my Calamine lotion on itchy ass America. I wanted to cling to my image like Saran wrap on... well, Saran wrap.
But, alas. I'd now become the workplace lush. And being labeled the ______ (fill in the blank with anything negative) as a Black woman in America can feel dismal. The recovery time is just unpleasant... for so many reasons.
Knowing this, I was horrified when a co-worker said, "You're supposed to sip cordials." Oh God.
Now they know I've taken shots.
Now they know I don't know anything about fancy liqueur.
Are cordials even fancy? Sweet Yahweh... Now they know I'm basic.
I stood there, frantically searching for an explanation. And when none came... I made a joke, as is my custom. I can't remember what the joke was, but it was an attempt at deflecting attention. Something making reference to why, on Earth, our party host had so many shot glasses anyway. Amirite, guys? No one laughed.
People turned back to their pre-toast conversations, and life went on. Yet here I sit, two years later, still thinking about it.
Ugh. What if do something stupid like downing a cordial like a tequila shot?
It's dumb. I'm now convinced that people cared far less about my faux pas than I thought they did. The truth is, I'll never know. In that moment, there were no thought bubbles above their heads giving clues as to what was running through their minds.
The bigger truth is... who cares? I know I'm not the department alcoholic. So why do I care so much if that's the story at the water cooler?
When will the Kanye shrug become a way of life for us? And I'm not talking about the I-hurt-you-and-I-don't-care shrug. I'm talking about the I-refuse-to-internalize-unwarranted-real-or-make-believe-criticism version. How amazing would it be to fully relax into life and relieve ourselves of the pressure to be imaginary people?
For now, I know that the "polished" and "approachable" labels to which I've committed are under negotiation.
While the negotiation has commenced, I've come up with some guidelines we can follow for upcoming holiday gatherings:
Check Your Gut
Before accepting an invitation, check in with yourself. Do you even want to go? This season is supposed to be one of love, cheer, kindness, good tidings, and all things warm and gooey. If the crowd with whom you're considering partying isn't generating those good feelings, it's ok to make other plans - even if the plans are to stay home. When declining an invitation, we have to stop expecting ourselves and others - especially those who aren't in our closest circle - to explain. Simply saying "I'm sorry, I already have another commitment" is enough. Your choice is enough.
Bring a Buddy
If you have the option to bring a "plus one," use it. If it's not a date, a great friend will do the trick. It's interesting... even if you're not talking with your friend the whole time, having someone in the room who you know for sure is #TeamYou helps you be more authentic when interacting with others. You can make reference to them in conversations, check in with them if you run out of mingle juju, and relax into the social setting with the feeling of being more supported. They can also help by tapping you out if you have trouble ending conversations and excusing yourself to leave when it's time.
Be the Alchy
Stop it. I'm not advocating for alcoholism. I'm just touting the "who cares" route of holiday partying - and life, for that matter. There's so much more that could be said about our need for self-acceptance, non-judgment, and letting go of assumptions. Make room for many-a-faux-pas, and give that room to others. If you find yourself doing something embarrassing, or worse - something that could get you labeled in some way - Kanye shrug it off and keep it moving. Gossip is the height of lifelessness, so talk less about other people and think less about what others might be saying about you.
And don't forget to enjoy yourself. 'Tis the season for lots of stuff, none of which should be self-abasement of any sort. You're spectacular. Now go be that at the holiday party.